DianaMy marriage is over
August 1st 2008 03:25
Filed for divorce on Wednesday.
Is that what that they call it in Oz? Filed for? Whatever. But visited a lawyer and started the process.
Now you might think this was a spur of the moment thing, me not having mentioned having difficulties before. But there is a certain amount of shame and subterfuge involved in keeping up the appearances of a marriage. No matter how bad things might be, right up until the last minute you are in denial,. Trying to present a united front to the world. Holding it together for the sake of the children. Or the sake of the sake of it.
Until suddenly the last straw breaks and that's it.
Within days you find yourself at the solicitors, calmly outlining your assets.
You realise you've wanted this for a long time but were afraid to admit it. To yourself first. Then saying the irriversible words to your spouse. Admitting to the kids. Then having to tell people bit by bit as reality cuts in and you can no longer manage what you used to.
This is how it has been for me anyway. It is clear now that my mind has been going ahead and making its decision, cos despite pleadings I cannot for the life of me change or go back.
Not for the sake of appearances. Or the kids. Or money. Or whatever.
It is tough on the kidlets, no doubt, but they are going to have to ride this one out. I hope I am not turning into a hardened woman but for me this is about survival and if the kids are going to survive I have to, and if I am going to I can't stay in this marriage.
So, why? I can hear you asking (if you have got this far). The most easy to undertand for you would be to tell you of the years and years of my husband being unemployed or employed for short times, spending our money on money-making schemes, extra qualifications, training, franchises. Periods of sitting around and not wanting to go for jobs.
Of not contributing to the family workload even when I be the primary earner, making it a no-win situation.
Lots of other stuff too, which goesw with this type of behaviour and attitude. But won't bore you too much.
It has burnt me out. Worn me down. Defeated me.....almost.
That's why no postings for a while. Too much trauma and stuff going on.
Who else is going through this type of experience?
Will fill you in more later...
Is that what that they call it in Oz? Filed for? Whatever. But visited a lawyer and started the process.
Now you might think this was a spur of the moment thing, me not having mentioned having difficulties before. But there is a certain amount of shame and subterfuge involved in keeping up the appearances of a marriage. No matter how bad things might be, right up until the last minute you are in denial,. Trying to present a united front to the world. Holding it together for the sake of the children. Or the sake of the sake of it.
Until suddenly the last straw breaks and that's it.
Within days you find yourself at the solicitors, calmly outlining your assets.
You realise you've wanted this for a long time but were afraid to admit it. To yourself first. Then saying the irriversible words to your spouse. Admitting to the kids. Then having to tell people bit by bit as reality cuts in and you can no longer manage what you used to.
This is how it has been for me anyway. It is clear now that my mind has been going ahead and making its decision, cos despite pleadings I cannot for the life of me change or go back.
Not for the sake of appearances. Or the kids. Or money. Or whatever.
It is tough on the kidlets, no doubt, but they are going to have to ride this one out. I hope I am not turning into a hardened woman but for me this is about survival and if the kids are going to survive I have to, and if I am going to I can't stay in this marriage.
So, why? I can hear you asking (if you have got this far). The most easy to undertand for you would be to tell you of the years and years of my husband being unemployed or employed for short times, spending our money on money-making schemes, extra qualifications, training, franchises. Periods of sitting around and not wanting to go for jobs.
Lots of other stuff too, which goesw with this type of behaviour and attitude. But won't bore you too much.
It has burnt me out. Worn me down. Defeated me.....almost.
That's why no postings for a while. Too much trauma and stuff going on.
Who else is going through this type of experience?
Will fill you in more later...
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Comment by Pax_Romana
It's never easy, but these things do happen.
Take care.
Comment by Iustitia
Every member of every family has to contribute in their way; it's part of the deal of "paying it forward". Adults work as they can, or make the home as they can. Kids do the dishes, clean the car, walk the dog.
Only the most heartless spouse would walk out on an unemployed husband.
But in Australia we've had years of full employment. I work in HR, and we're crying out for people in all sorts of roles: good wages (not necessarily stellar), good conditions (not necessarily cushy), but good honest jobs that pay mortgages.
Or if not, what about a FIFO job in WA? SO many opportunities there and here. If he won't take one of those jobs, he's brought this on himself.
Even a truck driver can bring in $700 per week after tax ... enough to pay a VERY hefty mortgage!
Unfortunately for him, he'll have to realise that this is not going to go well for him: lack of contribution means lack of allocation.
If you have contributed most and are going to be the residential parent, then the family court will no doubt order a property settlement very much in your favour. This may or may not be much consolation, but at least it means your money woes will be much reduced. Time for some backpay!
And then perhaps you can find a man who will happily contribute. My husband does, most do, why shouldn't yours?